Child Support (Part 2)
Fathers’
We’re supposed to help and support without court mandates or too late death bed gatherings and prayers. The best way to do that is to be honest about the times we didn’t figure it out— which for a-lot of us is our entire lives.
We need to listen without interrupting, judging, or injecting our own sob stories using our child as a therapist. Dumping our shit in their lap for relief. Catching them off guard for approval and acceptance.
Allow your child to come to you— without sinking them deeper into the life their asking for help avoiding.
If fathers treated their children like a ball game, dice game, the blame game, or the pimp game, every child would be well rounded and never feel love was missing in action.
Nahhh, Fuck that tho. That’s the problem. Dead-beats don’t take providing serious, so they cheat on responsibility like at their point in life, it’s ok to be curious. And in all fairness, it is—just not at the expense of… Ahh who am I kidding. Grown up’s always find an excuse and swear it’s a valid reason they ain’t shit.
FATHERHOOD AIN’T NOTHING TO PLAY WITH. Absent parents lead to dropped futures. Fuck boy, you can’t build or heal, sitting on the sidelines and doing nothing. Plus, I always thought you was the real deal. That’s what you always bragged about. With your friends, whom now that I think about it, had an eerie resemblance, ya’ll were twins, from fathers who must’ve screwed over the same type. Bragging, chasing, flirting with other women—who never seemed to mind a child.
“What’s that saying? —, women don’t want men who aren’t wanted or taken.” I read that somewhere in the pussy scriptures-or one of the books written by pimps--great fucking literature.
Running through excuses is not a hustle. Teaching youth to play through falls, scrapes, and bruises YOU inflicted—is a healthy neglect—encouraging babies to grow up and pass the same test.
A Better Man’s World (how conflict resolution made me a better man and father)
Today I realized,
I am great. Because I wasn't resolving my mistakes.
So, I stopped despising my kids for theirs. That feeling may not last all day. But I know why I had it. Because I want the best for them, and they are making some of the same bad moves I made. Some are new and some of them are also good.
But when anyone doesn't listen to a man, we (men) feel like we are being threatened. We think this person must not respect me, so they must be plotting an attack and, will be a problem in the future.
But if you to pay attention, you'll realize you're not listening to them either. You’re too occupied with getting your way to see that your way isn’t working for them, and didn’t work perfectly for you either. You had to adjust and still do.
Everybody wants something different and that doesn't make them wrong. or a threat.
The goal to conflict resolution is to leave with peace- not- more- conflict. That can be hard because we fight ourselves to resolve everything. Men always want to be viewed as strong. And we believe anything other than conquering makes look weak.
I had to resolve that emotion because I don’t want to conquer my kids.
Today I realized
I am a lover
I am a fighter
I am a coward (I avoid and hide from what I don't wanna do)
I am brave (I just admitted all these things to myself)
I am angry
I am peaceful
I just wanna f!!k
I just wanna be left alone
I want it all.
I submit to understanding myself and only resolving weaknesses that conquer my strength. Everything else is a waste of my time.
Kingpin's Diary
Art by Jeffrey Huet
I’m gonna re-live my hood dream of becoming a kingpin. Like celebrities, rappers and scientists, promoting drugs benefits.
Encourage youth to become addicts-to gain new experiences, speed up aging and overdose on the wasted talent parents never recovered from.
That’s the wave. Too high for help. Too low to get away. Crime pays if you have the money to make it legal. The business is global, the world wants more zombies, roaming streets, stuck behind screens, filling prisons, and experimental rehab facilities.
It brings attention. Gives me a name and popularity for something other than modeling for anxiety and depression.
Oh' stop being weak. Society created me. I am reincarnated for every generation.
But here's the secret, stop me now or your kids will pay later.
Please. I need you. To try me.
BLACK-LIST
Nenikas Art
Currently, I Am in the process of acquiring the income of the one percent. I have the mental capacity and clarity to see my past, present and future based on my behavior. So, I can reach and live in their dimension. Thats how I see myself. Don’t talk to me if you don’t see my vision.
Deep Thoughts.
Can a man’s deepest gifts be something other than seeds of life? Let’s fuckin’ find out.
Brotherly Love
I can make a body turn cold. Brother love is cruel. You understand, I didn't want the same as you. I don't stand for ignorance. It makes us look foolish.
Get close for control. Hugs set up alignment of coffins. Handshakes nail it tight. Finger snaps and hand claps sound like discipline and warning shots.
The signal people are onto you. Flesh hollers, but you couldn't be bothered. Deaf to the noise because getting off is calling. You Stay on point to be what you claim not to want.
Pressure
What type of pressure do you like? And where?
Throat or down below.
Hold up or press the throttle? When family looks at you like there’s no tomorrow. Do you dig the next mans or find your own bottom.
Lessons spew, like a parent’s tongue and food battling to stick. They pray it’s not crime lurking.
Murdering innocence has the world leaking like a hydrant. Sending it downstream only passes on the shit.
Press her. Pres-sir. Written on sheets, the ones that crumble, burn covering others or wash clean, when you bleed a lie, it stains, occupying its hold. When you stress the truth, it creates a terror—people run for cover.
Press and surely lose. Don’t take what bothers another.
Know-ledge
Do you know your ledge?
I know mine.
I accept my vanity without judging others for who they are. But ugliness that’s not physically attached to me is a burning image that blinds.
I don’t pretend I’m entitled to war because we disagree. But the title I hold in my mind says you need to provide my peace.
Making others happy doesn’t guarantee my own because sometimes I just don’t feel anyone deserves it. And the time I don’t want to be bothered is when people need the most.
Silently judging and holding a grudge makes me feel safe enough to move forward.
What I love now may take life tomorrow. But that’s not permission for you to ruin it for me with momentary sorrow.
Kill it.
Fuck it.
Love it.
Feel it.
Laughing is the body preparing to cry. All the same emotions we feel at the beginning and end of life.
The Happy Fool
I never had the mindset to find happiness in lack. I might dig up some motivation to get out, but comfort calls me back.
The hustle for survival? Lonely strength, encouraging submission of men and women, IF, I can help them, but don’t need theirs.
When you’re disciplined to take, you don’t notice it all escape.
Find happiness before tragedy hits.
Remember The Love
Image From Get Rich or Die Trying movie
There’s a freedom that comes with letting your mind rampage and dream up chaos until the tension releases and you feel the calm after an orgasm.
Reality shows we’re all a little crazy. So, we let our mind wander and think we’re lost.
But everyone has a landmark. Remember the little things you like and bring back that happy inner child. Thats the dream we have to keep real, and the reality we must not kill.
The Players Prayer
With the silence of a windy night, rattling door handles and knocking belongings off dressers. Donnie rushed to his confession booth. Cut the lights, stripped then jumped in the shower.
With a jerking movement, he scrubbed off scents that spark intuition. Men have it too. It’s called fuck into forgiveness.
The steam and alcohol vapors transported him to his dream vacation. Face underneath a waterfall. The Lover- boy drown. Then he panicked, thinking about the mess left behind.
He began as all desperate do:
Lord, please help me divorce myself.
I AM SO TIRED of my shit.
Please Please Please get me through this. I promise to never do it again… IF YOU HELP.
Donnie heard a voice and became scared and weak.
He clutched his eyes tighter. Listening closer, the voice sounded eerily familiar.
He thought; is it my conscience telling me to stop ass-betting? A straight up loss, even if I win. Live men know only dead one’s gamble on skins.
The voice said, “Last chance to behave.” “This ain’t a self-improvement seminar, you don’t get to leave with a promise to change for better.
Donnie said “I know. But sinners knoweth not how to stop. It feels too good in the moment. And the only thing we can’t resist is temptation.
The voice said “wait a minute. I need you to elaborate.”
He opened his eyes and saw his wife.
The Killing Joke.
PART 1
Every man for himself. Thrive on survival. The type that brings “What woulda been” love. Memories and “What they could’ve been” talk.
Stars who hated practice, but played every game to miss births, and birthdays, and forced selfish celebrations, from bail, fulfilled sentences, funeral services and graveyard visits.
We’re told “life is hard”. But dead boys’ bodies feel… Thats too tough to talk about, and all I hold onto to keep me strong. They leave a life of revenge.
Their girls get bent over to raise bastards, who make mothers suffer, running away from being like their fathers, who didn’t like drama and criticized reality t.v. but made their own on sidewalks.
We’re asked, “couldn’t they take the straight path”?
What’s that?
A blunt?
A line of coke?
A dope line, round the corner?
A bed made by the coroner.
Some say I think like the lost generation, but they find a way to grab attention every day and we always pay for it.
Part 2
You a funny nigga.
Oh yeah? You find a joke to avoid truth. The real nigga is YOU.
PART 3
Help!
Bang! (gunshot)
Mannn… Help ya self.
Bang!
Daaannng! Why you so selfish?
Click!
Go head, Kill yaself man
Why?
Man can’t afford to be helpless.
Bang!
That’s what happens when you reckless.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!!!
Dearly Departed:
Visit your loved ones. Tell them don’t restart how it all started. Tell them to imagine what it means to be alive and live their dreams. Show them that making enemies one with nature ain’t as important as nurturing love.
Let’s Ride
If I say I love, you. I mean it at that moment. But we all know nothing lasts forever. So, don’t be upset when it ends because nothing lasts forever. We can’t survive on history, or our future will be the stop where we get off.
DIG IT
It hurts good. Contorting. Reaching down, deep. Hitting, scraping, banging against a wall would make lesser god’s stop. But I’m trying to decorate. I have designer paint
I’m a producing mother-fucker
I feel you loosening. Wobbly. A shakiness that makes me clutch instead of run. Sucking me in.
I hold you until we’re both wrecked. A pleasurable assault that earns me respect.
Angry Therapy
Art by Louie VanPatten
I
Am a nice guy.
My smile might turn dagger sharp in a minute. I want to hug you and might think how easy it is to hurt you and swear you’re thinking about hurting me.
I
Don’t know what you take me for. And I hate I never will. You can tell me whatever you want. I won’t believe you until I want to be satisfied.
I
Don’t know why you’re looking at me like I assaulted you, because now you’re making me think about assaulting you.
I
Am enlightened.
Also tired of feeling my mind explode into fireworks. Thoughts ignite words that flame relationships. Sailing, and fizzling from view until lost.
I
Am not always like this.
I promise. But I will be again. Just like you will embrace it. You want someone to fix. Suck and fuck away your patience and strength. You want an excuse to regret.
I
Am willing to give it without regrets. Until…
I
Am alone.
Always… Running away from a calling. Breaking curfew to hang with the few who accept what I AM.
Anxiety Society
Art by Alexis Barrett
Create beauty. Not anxiety that can be slid by. Laughed at, liked and popularized. But who cares? Pain pays.
My friend’s girl committed… last week. We don’t say the word. It makes us shiver. We discovered her body. It’s not the kind of surprise we celebrate. And we couldn’t tell if she was expecting it to end that way.
My friend was sad for a minute. Too long for those who didn’t have to wait, and sweat out nightmares, day ones too, at work and at school, where whispers, eyes with pointy lashes and fingers blamed and at home where parent’s, out of frustration for having to grow up fast on their own, want you to get back to being yourself, and push you away from their help.
Uhhh,,,
That was a breath full? Or, is a mouthful. Whatever it was, he told me, he had enough, and was afraid because.” They don’t come easy anymore”. “My body feels like it wants to get rid of something.”
Diary Entry #1…
Wait. What? Was that thought telling me?
Nah, nah, hold up.
Is this that thing the call depress…
Nobody wants to hear it.
Everybody wants to see the show.
Nah, nah, I’m too tuff. To raw. I remember when she let me go raw. She was sick a while after. But she said she liked it.
Did she really? Was she? She love me? She wouldn’t lie to me?
End of Entry…
Rumors…
Nah. No way she was pregnant. But they saying girls committing suicide is the new abortion.
Damn. I thought it was cool for men to be savages. To run women n’shiiiiiiit… Let boys tell it, women really like it.
But which ones? Who you listening to? The truth about a lie is everybody gets screwed. Twisted. And people would rather die than miss the opportunity to hurt you.
Diary Entry #2…
Damn. I miss her. I miss us. The old me.
Who else will.
Let’s see.
Die…
Just because you ignore your pain, don’t think your kids are alright. If their talking, eating, showering, sleeping less, or more, they might be screaming for help. Be their diary. It’s the hardest and most joyful part of being a parent.
Outshine dis-belief
My heart is aching. My confidence is skidding. Feels like I wiped the wrong way. My wife cries over me, and it has nothing to do with infidelity.
As much as I talk, you would think I have a doctorate of bullshit. Failure carries on like the stench of a urinal.
I’m learning to rank myself without gold. Success depends on my mettle and providing for the ones who I’m responsible.
Random Truth’s
Ain’t no loss like the one you cause.
People don’t pray out of love—only fear and despair.
Everybody thinks about getting away with murder.
You’re only a psycho around the wrong people, and if you get caught.
God loves to kill, just as much as life, and we are made in thy image (if you believe such things.)
Guns are like sex. When you bust, somebody is fucked.
One glance equals at-least three fantasies. (And if it didn’t now it will.)
Will power is for addicts.